Allistic Communication #

As discussed in part 1, an "Occult Grammar" is a set of rules that govern the language game, yet which remain hidden to participants in that communication.

Thus, occult grammar isn't a set of rules that need enforcement; each person just feels them implicitly. They are the hidden implicit natural laws that make the language game what it is.

Allistic vs Autistic Communication #

As an autistic person, it often feels like communication between allistic people relies on a set of rules that everyone seems to Just Know, but no one can explain or articulate, let alone justify. Nonetheless, our language acts are interpreted according to this grammar, often resulting in miscommunication that is frustrating for all parties.

In discussion with therapists and other autistic thinkers, what follows is a concise list of the most relevant occult grammar rules that govern allistic communication.

Note that, much like ablaut reduplication or adjective order, people who follow these rules typically aren't fully conscious of them. Certainly there are exceptions, and situations where an allistic person might be exhibiting more or less neuroticism in how these rules are applied, depending on their current levels of social threat, rapport, security, and so on.

Also, as the dominant majority neurotype in every human society and even most niche communities, allistic communication norms tend to be the communication norms. Autists are generally expected to conform to them, and there is a strong incentive to habituate to them as much as possible. As a result, whether through socialization or self-training, many autists do come to internalize some or all of these rules.

However, as they are largely invisible to those who find them easy to instinctively follow, it can be challenging to learn what these rules even are!

The Occult Grammar Rules #

1. No unmotivated utterances.
2. All motivations regard social status.
3. No negations.
4. Speaking a name invokes its vibes.

1. No unmotivated utterances. #

Every communication act, whether actual spoken words, or movements of your body, even how one breathes, is presumed to be indicative of a specific motivation. All speech acts are attempts to not just convey information but accomplish a goal beyond the semantic content of the communication itself.

Of course, "convey information" is technically a "goal", but this rule implies additional motivation beyond what is explicitly a part of the utterance itself. I use "motivated" here in the sense of "motivated reasoning", a motivation apart from the content of the utterance itself.

When the motivation of an utterance is not clear to them, allists tend to become distracted, anxious, and suspicious, as they struggle to interpret hidden meaning. If you simply want to share information with the hopes that they might enjoy knowing it, or which might assist them in some task they are doing, many will interpret this as condescending and rude.

2. All motivations regard social status. #

All motivations behind utterances are presumed to be related to social status. As in, the ultimate goal is to increase one's social leverage, to gain power and influence over others, evade a status threat from a higher status member of the group, establish alliances and boundaries as part of this social game, and so on.

Any proximate motivations that are not regarding social status, are in service of hidden goals that do serve social status.

This does not imply malice! Many motivations that regard social status are designed to increase another's social status, so as to put them at ease, build rapport, and establish mutual benefit. However, if someone is appearing to obscure or hide their status related motivations (the only logical conclusion if a motivation cannot be determined; see Rule 1), then there's a good chance they are trying to get away with something nefarious, and others will likely react with suspicion.

Thus, it's best to establish and state a clear and reasonably self-interested social-status-related motivation up front, so that the allists you communicate with can relax and understand how to manage you.

For example, you could start a conversation with something like "I am interested in improving our relationship so that you can help me in my career, so I would appreciate the opportunity to buy you lunch." If you simply offer to pay without providing such a motivation, it may be seen as manipulative; yet if the "manipulation" is made clear, so that the participant knows what they are consenting to, then it's much more comfortable for them.

3. No negations. #

If you say "I'm not angry at you", an allistic recipient will likely receive something like "I'm anger about you!" and get concerned about your anger at them.

It's not that they're lying or being intentionally hypersensitive; the negation simply does not exist in most allistic communication. They do not hear it. When speaking with allistics, be sure to always use statements phrased in a logically positive manner. Avoid words like "not", "never", and so on.

Of course, if an allistic person asks you "Are you going to the party?" and you say "no", it's not as if they simply won't hear what you said. They are obviously capable of registering negation as such. But when mixed into the context of a more complicated thought, the negation vanishes, and what's left is the emotional valence of the rest of the sentence.

One interesting impact of this is the exuberant double-negative that some languages feature, to express a positive statement in a coy manner. For example, "I'm not not into it!" to imply that you are in fact into something, but wish to self-deprecatingly call attention to possible social cost of admitting as much. In following rules 1 and 2, this also signals a self-effacing offer of social status to the recipient of the message, and provides a bid for them to validate your feelings, which establishes a social status alliance.

4. Speaking a name invokes its vibes. #

We sometimes refer to this as "naming h₂ŕ̥tḱos", referencing the fact that many languages in the Proto-Indo-European family lost the original word for "bear", likely a linguistic taboo based on the belief that saying the name of a thing would summon it. (For example, "bear" derives from a Proto-Germanic word for "brown".)

Along with Rule 3, this means that saying something like "I did not get in a car accident" might cause someone to become very alarmed and concerned, as if they witnessed a car accident. As all utterances are motivated, and all motivations regard social status, this may leave the allist believing that you are attempting to garner sympathy in order to have power over them.

Thus, it's important to be mindful of the emotional "vibes" of the words you use.

As allistic people tend to have remarkably similar senses of what is near-mode vs far-mode, this is rarely a problem for them. However, autists run the risk of inadvertently triggering near- or far-mode without realizing it, throwing off their audience's processing ability.

No Privileged Neurotypes! (except neurotypicality typically is) #

There is a tendency in discussions of allistic communication for autistic people to react with indignation and surprise at learning what seems like arcane, convoluted, and illogical rules of social status. "Why can't they just say what they mean!?" the autist cries.

But, they are saying what they mean. The meaning of words is determined not by a dictionary, but by the pragmatics of participants in the communication act. That there are different styles of communication, governed by different rules of grammar, is simply reflective of the diversity of the human experience. None of these are inherently better or worse than another, even though some might be more suited to certain situations or environments than others, just as we might find with different languages or modalities.

We autists can and should learn these occult grammar rules, and apply them in the communication we do with allistic people. We should be the change we wish to see in the world, and be generous in the communication support needs of others.

However, we equally are within our rights to demand that our communication styles are respected as well. We are more able to do that if we advocate for ourselves in terms that our audience will readily understand. Even as we may not accept the rightness of one neurotype being dominant, we must accept the actual fact that it is, if we are to survive and thrive in the real world.

Coming Next #

In the next posts in this series, I will discuss the occult grammar rules that govern autistic communication, and some of the conflicts that arise from the translation challenges.

2025-11-11autismallismcommunciationoccult grammarthe quiet part out loudphilosophy