The Church of Gravitationism #
And so to start with... #
As the meaningless universe expands from the hot beginning of all things towards the cold infinite nothing, there are Four Aspects of the Mind of God, and Four Divine Forces spring forth from them.
The Four Aspects are:
- Charge,
- Length,
- Time,
- and Mass.
The Four Forces are:
- Strong,
- Weak,
- Electromagnetism,
- and Gravity.
It is this last that Gravitationists worship, Our Lady Gravity.
She is the most ineffable, yet most visible at our scale. At macro scales much larger than ours, She rules unopposed. She is simultaneously strong and gentle, yet nevertheless as ruthless as any God could be, uncaring towards petty human concerns, capable of bending space and time to Her divinely ordered whim, or casually crushing us beneath the rocks of misfortune.
The other three forces are stronger, in absolute terms. But Strong and Weak are not inverse square laws, and they operate only on subatomic scales, on the order of femtometers, dictating how the nucleus of an atom holds together, or decays. Outside of this tiny domain, they have no detectable power.
Our Lord Electromagnetism is a being of mystery and powerful magic. He keeps the mostly empty atoms from falling in on one another, and moves in fae spirals via spooky action at a distance. He can draw together, but also push apart. While His reach is theoretically infinite in distance, His tendency to self-eradicate limits the scope of His reach. He is the source of much of our most useful magics. In fact, today it's hard to imagine what life would be like without the miracles we obtain by harnessing His blessings. His magic gives us life.
Our Lady Gravity is quite different from all of these. Her effect is much gentler; it can be temporarily overcome merely by the legs of a child who jumps into the air. But, that effect is always strictly in one direction. She never pushes; She only pulls. And Her reach is inifinte. She binds the entire universe together in the gossamer filaments of Her mysterious will.
She is responsible for the shape and motion of the largest objects in our universe: planets, stars, moons, galaxies, nebulae, galactic clusters, and so on. Her power is invoked by the mere existence of mass, and it bends and twists time and length. When enough of Her attention is concentrated, She punches a hole in the fabric of reality, creating event horizons that fully swap time and space, replacing a location with a moment, tearing the quantum foam in a simmering flurry of antimatter radiation.
Worship #
In addition to various holidays described below, we honor Our Lady through regular communion in the form of resistance training. In this way, we witness Her divine might upon our fleshy bodies.
Having pushed heavy objects to higher energy states repeatedly, we then recover in Her firm embrace, allowing ourselves to sink deeply into rest.
That is, we engage in a hypertrophic strength focused resistance training regimens, possibly involving weights or just the weight of our own bodies, featuring adequate rest and recovery between progressively overloaded muscular stimulus.
Gravitationists thus always endeavor to get stronger and denser, as an act of religious devotion. Like Our Lady, we exert our power to increase the concentration of mass under our control. This improves mental and emotional health, and thus the ability to reflect on our place within the universe, and to accept the precarity of our smallness with open eyes and focused minds.
Holy Days and Seasons #
We recognize and pay tribute to Our Lady Gravity in the recognition of the eight seasons, each marked by a holy day and a moment of orbital significance:
- Winter (and Xmas)
- Imbolc
- Spring
- Beltane (and 4/20)
- Summer (and Birthday)
- Lughnasadh
- Autumn
- Samhain (and Thanksgiving)
Each solstice, equinox, and cross-quarter day involves a different set of practices and meditations to bring our awareness to the fact that we are animals on a rock riding on the straight paths through Our Lady's elliptically curved spacetime.
If you would like a calendar with the specific moments of each of these events, you can subscribe to this one in your calendar app of choice.
Note that the cross quarter days are not simply halfway between the relative solstice and equinox, because Our Lady Gravity swings us in ellipses around barycenters, not mere circles around some arbitrary point. Even the sun orbits the center of the solar system. There is no fixed privileged point in the universe!
Note: the season descriptions here are related to the Northern Temperate sect of Gravitationism, its original founding division. In the Southern Temperate offshoot sect, they are inverted, and the seasons in the Tropic and Polar sects are very different indeed. These are all valid, and adherents of Gravitationism are encouraged to reflect on the seasons as they occur in whatever locations they feel the most connection to.
Winter #
Daylight is at a minimum. Rate of change of daylight is zero. A new year is born!
Xmas, the holiday of Social Reflection, occurs near the start of this season, a few weeks before perihelion.
Consume calories, hold your loved ones tight. Meditate on the connections that keep us warm.
The night is dark and full of terrors, but as the perihelion occurs shortly after the Winter solstice, this season is thankfully the shortest.
Imbolc #
Daylight is increasing, and the rate of daylight increase is also increasing. The rate of daylight increase is inversely proportional to the current amount of daylight, making this time feel like the bite of winter has given up, but the gloom still lingers on.
Appreciate the slow return to life. The Hero awakens, and the world shakes off the stiff wet frost of night.
Spring #
The equinox, when daylight is at its equal point. But far from being serenely "balanced", it is a time of swift change, as the rate of change of daylight hits a maximum, and begins to slow.
4/20 occurs near the end of this season, about a week before Beltane. Relish in delights of the flesh on the solitary consumptive holiday. Stuff your head with all the beauty nature can offer.
Beltane #
Daylight is still increasing, but at a reduced pace, as we settle in towards the bright warm part of the year. The rate of change of daylight is proportional to the current daylight amount, making this time feel "more summer than summer", as we head towards the solstice with increasing anticipation.
A time of growth and waiting. We tend our projects and shephard them along towards harvest.
Summer #
Daylight at maximum, and for a brief moment, neither increasing nor decreasing, as the rate of change flips from positive to negative.
This is the warmest and brightest time, the days are long and feel unending. But the year is half over, and the rest will become progressively darker.
Birthday occurs a few weeks into this season, close to aphelion, a time for solitary reflection. What have we sown this year? What will we reap? In ample light of the sun, we take stock of our selves and our plans.
As aphelion occurs during this season, it is the longest. Truly Our Lady smiles upon us!
Lughnasadh #
Traditionally, this is the start of the time of harvest. The bulk of the growing season is past, and the days are still long, but getting shorter and shorter at an increasing rate.
The rate of change of daylight hours is inversely proportional to the amount of daylight, making this cross quarter day feel almost at odds with itself. A warm season that turns a corner and hints at its own end. The "Sunday" of the year, as the long days drag on.
Autumn #
The second equinox, this one in the other direction, heading towards cold dark. The day is balanced with night, but changing as fast as possible in the direction of shorter days and lower temperatures.
Traditionally, this reflects the end of the harvest season, time to pack up what we were able to gather, preserve whatever we can, and consume whatever we can't.
Samhain #
The dark night approaches. A few weeks after this cross-quarter day, we celebrate Thanksgiving, the traditional fattening-up as the long winter nights come.
The days are getting shorter, and the shortness of the days is proportional to the rate at which they are shortening, creating a sense that this time is "more winter than winter", as we move towards the dark solstice at the birth of the next year.
Fae magic is strongest at this time. Be aware!
And that brings us back to Winter, and the year starts over again.
Seasonal Calendar #
This is a calendar of sorts.
Placement along the vertical axis reflects the length of the day, and placement along the horizontal axis reflects the rate at which the length of the day is changing. As the year progresses, we move counter-clockwise around the calendar, starting with Winter at the bottom.
You can join! #
There's nothing crazy you have to do! It costs no money, and requires no major life changes or ideology. This religion is simply a practice of mindfulness: an appreciation of the vast and mysterious world in which we live, with a dash of creative personification. It is, in many ways, the original human observance.
Reflect on the coolness of various orbital moments throughout the year. Notice what is happening with the seasons where you are.
Feel Gravity directly, by separating heavy things from the Earth on a regular basis. Add the solar events to your calendar.
You'll get stronger, and more in touch with the nature all around you. Petty human grievances seem smaller. And at the end of your existence, know that the mass of your temporary body will return to Her eternal embrace.
Questions #
Is this a joke? #
No. I mean, yes, but only insofar as everything is.
Take it seriously, but do not take the taking seriously seriously.
Is this atheism, polytheism, nihilism, or...? #
Yes.
Is this a sex cult? #
What are the moral tenets of this religion? #
These will become apparent to you as you practice. Or they won't. I don't know, I'm not the boss of you.
So you just like, work out and chill and be autistic about seasons? #
Now you're getting it!